The Doctor, the Legs, and the Burgundy Wardrobe
by ifan13
Summary: The Doctor and Amy are running from a fearsome monster ... But what is it? And why is Amy wearing clown shoes?


**A/N: **Hi! I'm back! I know, I've taken a very lengthy break from fanfiction, and while I've got tons of excuses, none of them are very good. Now, you've probably noticed that this is a 11 and Amy fic, with the categorization of humor/romance ... Please don't hurt me! I believe in the Doctor and Rose forever, but, you see, this story was written for HarryHermioneMerrilHawkeFTW (CommanderHawke667), who happened to have been the 50th reviewer for Word of the Day. The request was a romance fic about 11 and Amy (no Rory) that featured them stuck in a wardrobe. I was kind of liberal with how I followed that prompt, but I hope HarryHermioneMerrilHawkeFTW enjoys this! As you can see, I will do anything for my readers, even ignore the fact that Rose and the Doctor belong together forever ... at least for one story.

**Disclaimer: **Amy Pond here. Yep, that's right, it's me. Now, I can't be here long - the Doctor and I have planets to see and people to save - but I just wanted to point out that this ... fanfiction writer? Wait, this person is called a writer and an author? For writing this? Wow ... fanfiction readers must have very low standards ... Anyway, this writer person doesn't own the Doctor or myself AT ALL. Got that?

**The Doctor, the Legs, and the Burgundy Wardrobe**

"Amy!" the Doctor yelled. "Duck!"

Fortunately, Amy didn't question this command – she had run with the Doctor enough to know that to question him while running could initiate disastrous consequences. She ducked. Then, a bolt of electricity hit the wall right next to where her head had just been. Amy yelped and then redoubled her efforts at running. Unfortunately, right at that time, she tripped. Normally, Amy was quite good at running, so it might be thought odd that she fell. However, one look at her feet would explain her fall. She was wearing huge, red clown shoes.

"Doctor!" Amy yelled. "A little help? These stupid shoes are so big, I can't get up!"

The Doctor halted in his tracks and looked back. In one glance, he took in Amy stuck on the floor and the danger that was rapidly catching up with her. He sighed (why did this kind of thing always happen to him?) and began to run back to her. He reached one hand up to adjust his cravat. Then he sighed again. How he missed his bow tie!

5 minutes earlier

"Is that little monster gone?" Amy whispered, breaking the silence that had enveloped the little wardrobe like a blanket for the past few minutes.

"I think so," the Doctor replied, with only a hint of uncertainty.

Amy let out a sigh of relief and glanced at the Doctor, whose body was squished between her and the door to the closet which he was holding closed. "So, what are we going to do now? I refuse to stay on this planet for a second longer than we have to. I was all for paying our debt to society, but this whole thing is ridiculous! I-"

The Doctor contemplated answering Amy's question but then decided against it. Amy was getting decidedly more Scottish by the minute and he was quite sure it would be better for his health if he didn't interrupt her.

The Doctor tightened his grip on the door as Amy went on. As soon as she had talked herself out, the Doctor decided, he would open the door and they would sneak back to the TARDIS. But not until then. Amy was too busy complaining about this "stupid planet" to be quiet at the moment. Although, she did have a point. This was a terrible place. What had happened to it? It hadn't been this way the last time he – ok, that wasn't true. It had been exactly like this the last time he had been here – he'd just been able to get away sooner …

"... and I mean, really, they- Doctor? Doctor! You're not even listening!"

The Doctor came out of his reverie to find an angry Amy on his right, glaring at him.

"Of course I was listening. I'm always listening," the Doctor said in that way of his that let you know he was being defensive. In fact, it was the exact same tone of voice he used to defend his bow ties …

"Mmhm? Well then, Mr. Always Listening, what exactly did I call this planet just now?"

"Uh- Amy, this is completely ridiculous! I'm over nine hundred years old – I don't need to be lectured by a … a ..."

Amy rolled her eyes. "Doctor, you are so frustrating! I-" Amy couldn't put her annoyance into words. She couldn't communicate properly. So, she did the only thing she could (which frankly, was something that she had wanted to do for a very long time).

Amy kissed the Doctor.

The Doctor was so surprised, he let go of the wardrobe door. And because Amy's body was pressed against his (and his body was pressed against the door), he fell out of the now open wardrobe, right onto the floor, with the most astonished look on his face. The look on Amy's face, on the other hand was quite smug – she was finally able to communicate with the Doctor properly and she quite liked it.

However, that expression was wiped off her face a second later, and was replaced by one of annoyance, tinged with fear. You see, that monster they had been running from had not left them when they had entered the wardrobe. No, it had sat outside, waiting for them to come out. And now it had them.

The monster began to celebrate, rubbing its claws together, an action which sent out little sparks of electricity. It was quite foolish of him, for, of course, the Doctor took advantage of the monster's gloating and yelled for Amy to run. She did, and the Doctor was right on her heels.

10 minutes before that

"I don't think he liked that either!" Amy cried out.

"He doesn't like anything! I've used all the tricks I know and _NONE OF THEM ARE WORKING_!" the Doctor yelled back. In frustration, he plucked the deerstalker off his head and threw it to the ground.

"Oh- oh! So, the Doctor doesn't know what to do, eh? Amy laughed. "That's a new one!" Then she frowned. "Wait- that really is a new one … come on, Doctor! You can't really be out of ideas for entertaining our sentence. You're never out!"

"Well, I am out. Not only am I out, but the entire idea shop's closed down, boarded up, and about to be destroyed by a ten ton wrecking ball. And then, whatever's left of it will be shipped off to Leeds! So, obviously, I am completely and totally out of ideas and we're sunk. Unless ..." the Doctor's face grew hopeful. "Unless, you've got an idea?"

Amy just stared at him.

"No. No, I didn't think so," the Doctor said sadly. The two of them just stood there for a minute, sadly, until they were reminded of the reason for their sadness.

"_I! WANT! FUN!_" their charge/punishment shouted. His little green mass trembled as he began to scream. Why couldn't these stupid aliens be fun? Why weren't they trying to make him happy?

"Oh no," the Doctor said. The little guy had been bored earlier but now, he was angry. "I think we've just pushed him round the bend ..."

At that, their green charge stopped screaming and stared at the Doctor and Amy for a moment. Then, he began to give off electricity. Bolts of lighting emanated from him and they were getting bigger.

All of a sudden, Amy grabbed the Doctor's hand. "I've got an idea," she told him urgently.

"You do?" the Doctor asked astonished.

"Yes – RUN!"

They did and were followed closely by their charge-turned-monster. Amy nearly fell over several times (due to her clown shoes) but the Doctor's strong grip kept her up. Running as fast as they could, the sped through corridors and rooms in a seeming endless labyrinth, looking for an escape, one they didn't seem to be able to find. Finally, out of desperation, the Doctor opened the first wardrobe he saw, shoved Amy inside it, and followed her in, closing the door behind him.

1 hour before that

"Amelia Pond, welcome-" the Doctor paused dramatically as he opened the TARDIS door and led her outside, "to Zeeb, the capitol of Raxacoricofallapatorius."

Amy spun back around to face the Doctor in shock. "Where d'ya say?"

"Raxacoricofallapatorius," he repeated slowly.

"That's weird," Amy commented at the same time as the Doctor said, "It's cool."

"Anyway," Amy drawled as she and the Doctor began to walk towards Zeeb, "it's very, uh- burgundy ..."

And so it was. The grass was burgundy and green, to their right, the sea was burgundy with silver caps, the sky was black, filled with stars and burgundy clouds, and in the distance was Zeeb, a city of silver and burgundy spires twisting into the sky. It was beautiful, if a little overwhelming. And that's the view Amy held until they reached the city gates. Then, when she saw the green Raxacoricofallapatorians (whew) in all their bloated glory, she decided, uncharitably, that this was probably one of the ugliest planets she had ever seen.

"Stop!" one of the guards ordered.

The Doctor smiled at Amy and pulled out his psychic paper, preparing to wow the guards with a magnificent fake identity.

"Arrest them!" the guard then ordered.

"Wait, what?" the Doctor exclaimed at the same time that Amy asked, "Why?"

"Take them to the judge!"

Just a couple of minutes later, the Doctor and Amy were inside a very burgundy building facing a very green judge wearing a white wig.

"Judge, I-" the Doctor started but was cut off by the judge.

"The female has been convicted of scandalizing the public-"

"What?" Amy exclaimed. "How?"

All of the Raxacoricofallapatorians turned to look pointedly at Amy (they were all male). Then the Doctor realized what part of Amy they were looking at _exactly_.

"Ahem," the Doctor coughed. "Legs."

Amy, of course, was wearing a very short skirt that exposed most of her legs, a fact which she never usually cared about. At their scrutiny, however, she became acutely aware of her exposure and blushed.

"The two prisoners are hereby sentenced to-"

"Now wait just a minute!" the Doctor protested. "Whatever happened to a fair trial? Where's the jury? Don't we get a defense?"

But no one listened to his protests …

A couple minutes later, the Doctor was wearing a deerstalker, a tutu (over his pants), and a cravat in place of his bow tie – it was part of their punishment. Amy got the worse end of the deal – she was wearing a full length, neon orange skirt, big, red clown shoes, and a green turtleneck with snowmen on it. They were forced to wear these hideous clothes and babysit a young Raxacoricofallapatorian till the Raxacoricofallapatorian equivalent of sunset as punishment for Amy's "nakedness". Then they would be freed.

Both Amy and the Doctor wished to escape and run from these crazies back to the TARDIS, but they decided to just "pay their debt to society" and then leave peacefully without causing any trouble. After all, how hard could it be to babysit a little green guy?

They would find it was very hard indeed …

Back to the present …

As the Doctor ran back to Amy, he searched his mind for a way to save Amy and escape the temper tantrum. That's when he noticed what was directly over Amy and the Raxacoricofallapatorian's head. It was an opportunity.

Dodging lighting bolts, he reached Amy, grabbed her, and pulled her away. Then, the Doctor soniced the pipe on the ceiling.

A huge torrent of sewage fell on to their former charge. The Doctor prepared to flee from the child's wrath but then he noticed that the Raxacoricofallapatorian child wasn't wrathful at all. He was blissful – they had finally made him happy – and he laughed with joy as he splashed around in the sewage.

The Doctor laughed and prepared to join the child, but Amy tugged at his hand.

She said one word - "Sewage." - and the Doctor realized what he had been about to do.

"Back to the TARDIS?" he asked.

"Yeah ..." Amy replied.

"Beach?"

"Yeah ..." and then Amy smiled.

The Doctor gave a sigh of relief, and thanked the stars that he had escaped the wrath of the universes most fearsome individual since Jackie Tyler – Amy Pond.

Amy, on the other hand, was smiling about the fact that they were going to the beach … she could wear a bikini there … As they walked back to the TARDIS, she formulated plans for the Doctor's downfall … she had almost had him today, in that wardrobe. He was proving a tough nut to crack, but it really wasn't possible that he wouldn't fall for her, was it?

**A/N: **Anyway, hope you liked that, Doctor/Amy fans. To my fellow Rose lovers out there, Word of the Day will be the very next thing I work on. I just had to get this out for HarryHermioneMerrilHawkeFTW first. Wow, I've missed you guys! Can't wait to here from you here and at Word of the Day ... Hey, did you notice the fancy new review button they have now? Maybe you should test it out ...


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